I am a
freak of nature, often seen dancing to the beat of my own drum and laughing
hysterically for no reason. I am a force to be reckoned with and I am
your worst nightmare. I duck, I bob for apples, I weave intricate
baskets.
I have
been known to refurbish vintage furniture and give it away to homeless cats so
they have a place to sleep. I have kayaked in Alaska in the midst of a
killer whale feeding frenzy, swam alongside Spinner dolphins, and fed Great
White sharks bare-handed.
I won a
gold medal in the Olympics - my archery skills were so phenomenally
intimidating that all other competitors forfeited. I lived amongst the
Blue-Footed Boobies on the Galapagos Islands, and I once traveled around the
world five times in 180 days.
Sometimes
I awaken in the middle of the night, meander out to the woods behind my house,
perch in a tree, and hoot like a Great-Horned owl. I have also
accompanied the neighborhood cat on a nocturnal hunt for random objects our
neighbors neglected to bring in off their porch.
I compete
in ukulele duels on the sixth Saturday of each month and have a fuchsia
belt in combat hula-hooping. I thrive on stealing hugs from helpless
lemurs and maintain my innocence on Tatooine. My other car is the
Millennium Falcon. Yoda is my homeboy.
I have
been a garden gnome bounty hunter, a heavy metal accordionist, an artist who
sculpts exclusively with marshmallow Peeps, and I single-handedly transformed
the lives of a gaggle of wild geese while traveling through Opelika.
I can knit
5011 scarves in 45 minutes while reciting the alphabet in Klingon and dribbling
a soccer ball while blindfolded. In my spare time I grapple large snipes,
set traps for Bigfoot, and crochet delicate shawls for elderly gorillas.
I bake red velvet brownies on the 7th Wednesday of each month, I have competed
in extreme ice sculpting, I am so organized I confuse myself and the nineteen
squirrels who call me "Mom".
I have my
very own House Elf; her name is Gertrude and she adores me so much she
absolutely refuses to accept any clothing and claim her freedom. I once
owned the elements of the Deathly Hallows, but I loaned them to Dumbledore so
that Harry Potter could save the world. Snape is my idol. I always
turn to page 394.
I taught
Dr. Seuss how to rhyme, I own Anne's Green Gables, and I don't live in a house
- I live in a hobbit-hole in the Shire, and Treebeard resides in the woods
behind my house. I once commandeered the Black Pearl and I taught Daryl
Dixon how to use a crossbow.
I created
an 8th day, but was too overwhelmed by the extra time. I once read Gone
With the Wind, Beowulf, and The Princess Bride in
one hour. I have a Sonic icemaker in my car, and I am an adoptive mother
to an albino frog named Lemmy.
I am Ozzy
Osbourne's personal translator and Slash hits me up for guitar riff
advice. TobyMac consults me before he even thinks about droppin' a
beat. I have played for the Braves, kicked a game-winning field goal
for the Falcons, and had dinner with Peyton Manning.
I wander,
I wonder, I nap, and my bones snap, crackle, and pop. But I have not yet had
the privilege of teaching your child and preparing them for their next big
adventure: high school. I look forward to helping your child become
the very best version of themselves.
Welcome to the Voyagers
team...GO OWLS!